The Crutch.
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Archive for the ‘Goofy’ Category
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Monday, March 2nd, 2009La Cosa de los Cuatro Fantásticos
Sunday, February 15th, 2009Well, as you’ve seen here before (and I’m sure you’re bound to see again), I have some delightfully horrible Mexican bootlegs to share. (By the way, I hope that Spanish blog entry title is correct. I kind of guessed at it using Babelfish and Google. Who needs to bother learning multiple languages? 
)
It’s great just seeing some Mexican sculptors’ attempts to create the likenesses of popular comic characters. These guys aren’t just bootlegging Marvel Legends toys, they are making custom sculptures (maybe even something that could be equated to limited edition designer vinyl), and they have their own personalities and unique stories to tell.
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Let me back up for a minute just to give the unknowing readers a quick rundown of what they’re looking at.
This is “The Thing.”
(I threw in the Jack Kirby / Rob Liefeld drawing comparison just so the comic geeks out there can vomit ever-so-slightly. Well actually, that’ll make anyone vomit.)
I’m not sure if you all know of this character.
The Thing is a member of the Fantastic Four – a group of scientist buddies that went into space, got zapped by cosmic rays and ended up a mutated bunch of freaks. Scientist, Ben Grimm (The Thing), turned into a big orange rock guy. A rock guy in his underwear. Oh, and they all star in their own comic published by Marvel Comics
Now that we’ve got that outta the way, let’s take a closer look at these bootlegs action figures one-by-one.
Crappy-Arm-Action Thing
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Okay. Is it just me, or does this guy appear naked at first glance? He has a belt, no genitalia, and darker legs. I guess that implies pants well enough.
He also has a “4″ sticker on his chest. Maybe he needed the 4 so we wouldn’t confuse him with any other of the Marvel character bootlegs.
Look at his funky blue eyes and blue mouth. Blue is a good color choice, I guess, since it’s the complement to orange, but it’s still kinda creepy. He’s glowing from the inside or something.
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So, this guy actually takes it up a notch (or is that down a notch?) when it comes to bootlegs. Whoever made this thing thought it’d be a good idea to make the arms connect by plastic a rod which is controlled by a small lever sticking out of the toy’s back. I guess it’s an “action feature.” Only thing is, it’s hard as hell to get it to move, and neither arm can move independently. Not only that, the pieces weren’t really made to fit together, so the rod is actually somehow forcing the toy’s shoulder/torso to pry open, making it even harder to maneuver the action feature. Kinda crummy.
Concave-Head Flack Thing
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All I can say is this bootleg ROCKS (pun intended). He’s not even really an “action figure.” He’s just a horribly, crappily, ridiculously, poorly-made mold-injected toy. He’s hollow, has no paint whatsoever, and flack all over… but at least he’s orange.
What does impress me though, is the fact that the sculpt is a cool, original take on the Thing. He’s a bit more cartoony with less of the “traditional” superhero proportions as seen in the previous bootleg.
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Look at this. Chunky, sloppy flack and a caved-in head. That’s some good bootleg craftsmanship
This Thing actually looks a bit like Michael Chiklis who played him in the movie. I don’t know if this photo captures it well, but in person, I thought I was looking at a bootleg Commish figure.
Rock Candy Thing
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Here we have little, cherry-flavored rocky candy Thing (I don’t mean that literally. He’s plastic and all. He just kind of reminded me of rock candy). He’s just a solid, shiny, translucent chunk. Reminds me of those little PVC figures like M.U.S.C.L.E. or Smurfs or whatever.
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One thing that caught my eye was the odd paint job. Look at his underpants. It almost looks like it was just applied minutes ago. Or it is still wet, because it isn’t chemically bonding with the plastic. Do you know what I’m talking about?
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Poor guy. His face barely fits on his head.
Claymation Thing
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Last, and definitely not least, is my favorite of the bunch. The most goofy, quirky, fun version of the Thing I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t be surprised to see this guy in a low-budget claymation version of the Fantastic Four.
He’s just so fun. A big, round, chunky, loveable, bright, fully-poseable Thing figure. He even has hand-painted underwear.
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I loved the startled look on his face. He must’ve just seen bootleg Invisible Girl in her invisible clothes.
And what’s up with the gray lips? Is it gravy? Porridge? Whatever it is, he’s just devoured it.
“It’s Slobberin’ Time!”
Kong King by Imperial Toy
Monday, January 12th, 2009A gorilla.
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People like gorillas, right?
No? Too scary?
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Well, I like this gorilla. He just called to me. He looks more like a man in a suit than a true gorilla.
This big, black, angry primate is by Imperial Toy. I’m not sure what year this toy was released. Probably the 70s or 80s from the looks of him.
I have a feeling it’s supposed to be reminiscent of King Kong. See the resemblance?
(Actually, this shot of King Kong reminds me of Danny Glover.)
I don’t see any marking giving rights to a movie studio or anything, so this is probably just a generic giant gorilla. I’ll call him “Kong King.” He’s supposed to fight some of those dinosaur toys Imperial made in the 80s.
You remember those dinosaurs? I actually had this dinosaur as a kid.
Dinosaur image courtesy of Cretaceous Central. Thanks!
I remember dropping those little green army men into his mouth, filling its hollow plastic torso with unlucky soldiers. (It was always hell to get the dinosaur to regurgitate them though.) I would even squeeze his mouth shut repeatedly to make the act of eating that much more convincing.
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Kong King is plasticy, goofy-looking, has minimal paint applications and has very obvious construction seams. He has two points of articulation at the shoulders. The rest of him is just a hunk of hollow, flexible plastic.
Notice his smooth, polished bare ass…
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… and what’s with coconut bra?
(See. I told you’d I’d post another York Show toy this week. I’ll try to do another.)
Laundry Day with Batman and Robin
Saturday, December 13th, 2008So, I’ve finally gotten around to the blog again. Sorry about the delay. I know a lot of you have been eager to see what I picked up at the York Toy Show.
Well, here’s part 1 of my toy haul.
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I was just strolling the aisles when these horrible, barbie-doll-sized bootleg superheroes looked up at me through a glass case. I could hear them in my head simply saying “save us.” I had to rescue them.
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I asked the guy who sold them to me where they came from, and he just said he got them from some storage warehouse in New York. Apparently it was being cleaned out (and it was filled with a bunch of crap like this). He also said these toys were from Hong Kong. They look like they’ve been packed away for a while. Maybe it just looks that way because of the stained, water damaged packages, crinkled capes, etc. There were several of these toys at this guy’s booth. I had to dig through ‘em a bit to find the ones with the least paint damage. Most of them had all the paint chipped off and stuck to the bag.
Batman
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This appears to be Batman. All I have to say is, it must be laundry day at Wayne Manor. His bright-red long johns crack me up. They’re not nearly as scary or stealthy as he’d like them to be. His cape and cowl actually seem to be color accurate, but it looks like they were just pulled them out of the laundry hamper. The cape is just so deformed and super-crinkled. Ha! I love it.
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Also, look at his feet and black underwear. They’ve just been sprayed on the front with no paint on the back. Cheap.
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Looks like he didn’t have any clean gloves either. Batman has actually resorted to painting his hands silver. It’s definitely not a glove. You can see every fingernail, knuckle and crevice of his hands.
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The bat logo sticker on his chest is a lot more of a “realistic” depiction of a bat than his traditional stylized logo AND his name is written on it. BATMAN. Is this there to clarify to the bad guys who he is? I guess when you show up in your red pajamas, you might need some way to remind them.
Also, isn’t the purpose of most bootleg’s screwed-up name and appearance to avoid legal issues? If so, why clearly call the guy “Batman?” Call him “Bat-Hero,” “Super-Bat,” “Acro-bat” or even “Man-Bat.” (Oops. that one’s already taken.)
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Look at the drawing on the Bat-package. It looks a bit like a “legit” Batman image, but he’s all mangled and awkward. His legs are deformed and broken, and it looks like his fingers may be too. I also like the arbitrary cross-hatching on his cape. This bootleg comic artist must’ve found some piece of art and filled in the missing pieces himself. The thing just looks funky.
Space Flyman
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Next we have Space Flyman, who looks a lot like Robin. Now this is proper bootleg etiquette – messed-up name, messed-up colors, but still similar enough to the original to know who the character is supposed to be.
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Why else would the Space Flyman have a bat logo? It’s just a clue to this guy’s origins.
He is Robin I guess, but his outfit is a bit wrong. Outside of the color inconsistency, he should be wearing a little vest, some undies, and little shoes. Instead, he’s wearing long sleeves, long pants and combat boots. Oh wait. Maybe it’s because he has no clean laundry either. Dang. I hadn’t thought of that.
Unlike the Batman figure, he has real clothes and boots. Kind of surprising for such a crummy toy.
There were a couple of color variations of this Robin toy. I don’t quite recall what colors there were, but I chose the orange shirt version. He looked best next to the red Batman.
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You can also see the cheapy paint application on his head. Just that small fuzzy streak of black.
(Robin has a very difficult time standing by the way. I actually had to use a bit of tape to keep him up.)
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This Space Flyman toy looks funny and all, but it’s actually the card on his package that gave me the biggest laugh. I find the illustration on the front of the card charming. It looks more like a member of G-Force beating up chubby members of Cobra.
But when you flip the card over, that’s where the hilarity ensues. It reads:
Space Flyman: Here is a powerful and wonderful man. Also a good fighter beats off any opponent with his strong muscles.
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So he “beats off” bad guys with his muscles? Sounds challenging (and kinky). I’m not sure what kind of message that sends to kids. I’m sure it lost something in the Engrish translation
Hey. You know what I just remembered? I got some Batman and Robin toys last year too… at the Allentown Toy Show. Maybe this is the start of a new tradition.
INFO UPDATE
Batman comic panel courtesy of Planet Zor. Thanks!As Bubba Shelby pointed out, this Batman bootleg bears a striking resemblance to the Batman of planet Zur-En-Arrh. I have no idea what’s going on in this panel. It’s just a glimpse into the old and odd DC Comics Universe. Read more at Planet Zor.
Gross Out Gang – Roll Call!!
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008Great news!! (for me anyway)
I’ve managed to get my hands on some carded Gross Out Gang (GOG) figures!
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You remember the GOG don’t you? (I’ve only written about them a hundred times.) I wrote about them when I discovered their toyline, their vintage toy ad and when I actually found the whole gang. Hell, I even started this blog with one of the figures.
So, I guess the gang holds a little piece of my heart.
Anyway, there are 3 main reasons why it is good to get these packaged figures:
1. Closure. I’ve finally learned the names of the three previously unidentified GOG members. If you recall from one of my previous entries, I was missing the names of the “Lips Kid,” “Nose Kid” and “Pie Kid.” Well I’d like to officially introduce you to Blow Hard, Nose Ark and Fat-so.
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Pretty bad eh? Punny and non-PC. Awesome. No way they’d make a toy of a fat kid nowadays and call him “Fat-so”. I sure do miss the 80s.
2. Surprises. I finally have access to the cards from the figures’ packaging. I didn’t know what to expect. As a service to you, the reader, and anyone else in the history of the world who has lost nights of sleep contemplating what was on the back of the Gross Out Gang card, I will share with you.
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First we get a goofy Gross Out Gang Membership Card, and it’s been signed by Egg Brain himself. The President of the GOG!
Second, we’re introduced to the bully character, Airhead. Too bad they didn’t make a figure of him to be the villain in the toyline.
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Third, we get a horrible, but still charming origin story. Looks like the GOG were a bunch of social rejects that were constantly picked on by “Airheads” (or jocks). Luckily, Egg Brain had a device that accentuated the very traits that made them rejects in the first place, giving them “Exagapowers,” so now they are gross freaks and proud of it.
I’m warning you – don’t read it.
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Fourth, we get a GOG lineup with short bios for each character briefly explaining their gross “powers.”.
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3. Obsession. I get my hands on “virgin” Gross Out Gang toys. Untouched by anyone for over 20 years. Freshly unsealed GOG figures smell nice, fresh and plasticy. Since I can’t really demonstrate their fresh scent, I’ll just give you a rundown of this poorly planned toy package artwork.
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As you can see, the only way to get an unhindered view of the Gross Out Gang background and story is to open the package. Which is great, because I wanted to do that anyway.
What the hell. The front of this package may be one of the most poorly-planned toy package designs ever. First, the logo/name of the toyline is blocked by the figures, but to top it off, there’s a huge freakin’ paragraph telling the story of the GOG… on the front of the card. How challenging are they trying to make this for the costumer? As you’re perusing the toy aisle, they hope you read the 124-word paragraph that is actually overlapped by the figure and the card bubble? It seems like the package was designed by some guy at Skilcraft before he knew the size of the toys. Oh well.
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Read Their Amazing Story!
They’re gross… they’re nauseating… they’re totally disgusting! They’re the Gross Out Gang and they’ve banded together to fight for justice in the name of the underdog. They couldn’t care less if anyone makes fun of them. They laugh in the face of indignity… they sneer at insults… they stand up to abuse. Nobody’s perfect, but the Gross Out Gang carries it to extremes. Why not join in their fun… collect the entire series and laugh along with them. To be a member of this elite gang of super heroes, you’ve got to look yourself squarely in the eye without a mirror, and say “Im a decent, respectable human being in spite of my imperfections.” Maybe there’s a little Gross Out Gang in all of us.
That’s pretty touching actually. The toys are goofy and gross, but I like the message to kids that you can be proud of your differences. I’m thinking a modern toyline wouldn’t even approach the subject of human frailty, insecurity, and the sometimes awkward individuality. Stand up for yourself and disregard any kind of insults you may get from other punk kids. We were all underdogs growing up. I know you all were. You’re reading a toy blog for Christ’s sake. 
Oh, and here’s some more fine print for those who care: “Skilcraft – a division of Monogram Models, Inc., Morton Grove, IL 60053. © 1987 Monogram Models, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Made in Hong Kong.”
I only got four “fresh” GOG figures, and their cards are all beat up. I don’t mind. But I’m still on the lookout for the Nose Ark figure with his nose crutch. I want that crutch 
So, now I have some GOG duplicates. Maybe I’ll sell them or use them for future toy trades or something. Anyone out there interested?