Archive for the ‘Ugly’ Category

Mysterious, Post-Apocalyptic Toy Trio

Friday, June 11th, 2010

Okay. First things first. I have no clue what the hell these toys are or where they came from. Just so you know. I really need your help identifying these guys.

These figures were a gift to me from someone who shall remain nameless. (Just wait. You’ll understand why once you’ve seen the toys.) He picked ‘em up on eBay years ago as a generous contribution to the Weirdo Toys collection, but this time he’s really outdone himself.

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Post-Apocalyptic Figures

Okay. Look at these weirdos. They look like they could be characters from a Mad Max cartoon or some other bizarre post-apocalypse themed series. And I think their kimono robes give them a bit of an Asian vibe. So maybe they’re from a post-apocalyptic kung-fu cartoon series.

Let’s check these guys out one-by-one.

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Pointed-Nose Guy

First up, we have this strange, long-nosed fellow. Looks like he could be a goblin or something with his greenish skin and pointed ears. That’s really secondary to the fact that he is wearing a stitched-leather bondage mask complete with zippered mouth. Yikes.

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Pointed-Nose Guy Pointed-Nose Guy

He’s sporting a t-shirt, pants and sneakers and kimono. He’s also carrying something on his back. Looks kind of like a pot or bowl or something.

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Pointed-Nose Guy

Take another look. You’ll see that bowl on his back is actually a toilet bowl. Oh yeah, and there’s a fresh turd inside. Ha!

It doesn’t stop there. To complete the “things that come out of your butt” theme, it seems this guys is actually using anal beads to strap the toilet bowl to his back.  I know what you’re thinking. Only my demented mind could come to that conclusion. But think about it. Conceptually and thematically, it makes sense. It almost makes the figure even better (maybe “better” isn’t the right word for it). He’s a weird little fetishist.

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Long Tongue Guy

So, this second guy is kind of freaky. It looks like he’s wearing some kind of protective oxygen mask. But what good is a protective mask if your giant, mutant tongue is hanging out? Look at that freakin’ thing.

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Long Tongue Guy Long Tongue Guy

This guys’s got a huge, swiveling tongue that’s nearly as tall as he is. Like I mentioned before, he’s wearing that strange mask, and it looks like it’s held on with riveted rubber netting. He’s also got the kimono and sneaker action happening.  If you look closely, you’ll notice his pants are unbuttoned.

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Long Tongue Guy

He’s carrying a waste basket of debris on his back. I’m not sure what that’s all about. Looks like there are some banana peels, soda cans and a juice box or something. Luckily this guys only using rope to carry the trash around.

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Metallic Dog-Man

Alright. This third guy is the strangest of the bunch. he’s an emaciated, humanoid-dog thing with a hint of android.

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Metallic Dog-Man

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Metallic Dog-Man

Looks like he could be hybrid of man and dog pieced together with wires, scraps of metal, spark plugs, metal plates, etc. He’s one strange pet.

Why am I so sure it’s a “he?” Glad you asked.

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Metallic Dog-Man

He’s got male genitalia. (First Weepy the WeeWee, now this.)

It wasn’t until I saw the figure from this angle that I realized that it may not be a robot tail on this dog after all. It could just be a metal rod shoved up his ass. That’s definitely a first (and hopefully a last) for my toy collection.

This dog figure has a waist swivel joint that always seemed useless to me. His permanent pose really made this bit of articulation pointless. Well, mere minutes ago, I discovered there actually is a reason for it. I was inspecting the toy as I wrote this blog entry, and I noticed his torso was a bit loose. The two body pieces were separating. Out of curiosity, I pulled him apart.

This is what I discovered.

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Metallic Dog-Man

A dangling, severed spine and juicy torso meat. Wow! This toy just got even weirder. These toys just keep on giving.

So, there you have it. three freaky toys that have been hanging around my studio waiting to have a home on the blog. Maybe you can help me identify them.

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Metallic Dog-Man

As I stated earlier, I have no idea what these toys are, but the only clue I can share with you is this emblem. It can be found on all three figures. I’m not sure how it should be read. Maybe “V3 Toy?” The logo looks like an owl with a lazy eye. Any help from you guys would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Thunder Cats Villanos

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

I think this is it.

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Monkian Bootleg

Quite possibly the most horrible, disgusting, poorly-produced toy I own.

Seriously.

Look at him.

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Monkian Bootleg

He’s a hairy beast, trapped in his own cobbled-together body – screaming in agony, because he’s stuck in this constant state of crappiness.

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Monkian Bootleg

Seriously. The guy looks like a failed prototype of a prototype or a badly-built model kit or something.

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Monkian Bootleg

Another weird thing about this monstrosity is its potent chemical smell. Not only does it stink, but the smell actually rubs off onto your hands when handling this thing. Now that’s a first in my toy collection. Even Stinkor’s stench doesn’t rub off on you.

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Monkian Bootleg

And just look at this awesome toy construction. Now that’s quality.

His pieces don’t even fit together properly, and he looks like he was painted by a small child… with a poor motor skills… using a partially-crusted, dry brush from a bottle of white-out.

I know this is a bootleg possibly produced using child labor, but c’mon! Teach those kids to paint!

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Monkian Bootleg

Oh, wait! The figure came in a little plastic baggy with a header card and everything. It looks so legit now!

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Monkian Bootleg

And look at the huge assortment of accessories he came with… which he can’t even use.

Wanna know why? Because most of the stuff was re-purposed from smaller toylines’ accessories – Masters of Universe, Galactic Fighters, Galaxy Warriors, and maybe a hint of Thundercats.

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Monkian Bootleg

Well, at least he can hold the swords… but only in one of his hands. Wanna know why? Because the shoddy production processes left him with some much extra plastic flack all over his body, his hands are filled and closed off.

Kind of gross actually.

Well, there is one saving grace to this figure – that custom package header. Let’s take a closer look.

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Monkian Bootleg

Not bad. I mean it’s crappily printed and all, but it looks awesome. It’s actually an original piece of art – hand-drawn typography and semi-sloppy comic art style. A lot of artists and designers strive for this look. You’d normally expect to see re-purposed packaging art from the original toyline on these Mexican bootlegs. I really like the personality of this piece (I even made it into a desktop wallpaper for you.).

I wonder what the original toyline was. I’m guessing it’s Thundercats. My first clue was the title “Thunder Cast Villanos.” Ha! Plus I recognize some of the characters in the artwork. (From left to right) Looks like we have Monkian, Slithe (who looks freakin’ great!), Mumm-Ra… and ummm… some wolf guy (is that supposed to be Jackalman?) and… uh… is that Golem from Lord of the Rings? Looks like Vultureman on the bottom though.

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Monkian Bootleg

So, there you have it. The most disgusting Monkian bootleg you’ll ever see, and the crappiest bootleg toy I’ve ever owned (and the greatest wedding gift – thanks Jason!)

Wow.

If you’re one of those folks who’s not even sure who Monkian is, or what the original toy looks like, here’s a pic for you.

Monkian Bootleg
Thundercats’ Monkian photo courtesy of ToyArchive.com.

I actually had the original figure as a kid. I liked him well enough, but he was never really as cool as all the He-man figures I had him surrounded by.

Beast Man

He was a wannabe Beast-Man in my book.

Don’t believe me? Check out this boring, yet semi-fun video of Monkian “in da club.”


Magic Monster by Heartland

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Well, it’s hard to believe, but I actually have a bunch of new info about that mysterious windup, musical demon lumberjack I was so excited about (and desperate for) weeks ago.

Monster video

I’m not sure if you recall, but in that video, we saw a freaky, distorting, rubber face placed on an animatronic, musical lumberjack-type of character (I’m calling him a lumberjack because he’s wielding an axe and he’s wearing boots and overalls).

The thing was so bizarre, I could’ve sworn it was “homemade.” I kind of recognized the look of the rubbery-face and figured it was a finger puppet placed on some weird holiday toy or something.

That lead to my search and discovery of this generic set of rubber-faced finger puppets.

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Finger Puppets

Jackpot! Not only did I get some weird-looking little finger puppets, but it appears that the demon-looking character from the video is in the bunch.

Okay, now that I’ve acquired the rubber faces, all I needed is the strange lumberjack toy.

Well, thanks to the help of some of you readers and a little bit of detective work, I discovered that this toy is called “Magic Monster.” Once I’d acquired that information, it would only be a matter of time before the toy gods sent this Magic Monster my way.

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Magic Monster Magic Monster

Luckily for me, when the monster reared its ugly face, it came fully-functioning and complete with its original box. (Thanks toy gods!)

It’s not a lumberjack toy at all. It is, in fact, simply a nonsensical, axe-wielding monster that sways back-and-forth to the tune of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Who’d have thunk it?

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Magic Monster

Not only that, but I also discovered the face on the original toy isn’t the one in the video, so I was correct in assuming the video was a “custom” job. I never expected this face to be on the toy.

Wow? That’s one ugly son of a bitch.

And just as I thought – the “head” of the toy actually has a few protruding pegs which stretch the removable, rubbery face stretch, bringing it to life.

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Magic Monster

Here’s a full figure view for ya. I kinda feel that they cheaped it with the head sculpt. I know there were probably some technical limitations, but the round helmet dome thing just isn’t cutting it.

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Magic Monster Magic Monster

And as you may have guessed, the animatronic head perfectly accommodates the “finger holes” of the various face puppets.

This is too perfect.

Do you know what this means? I can bring each face to life, giving the freaky axe maniac multiple personalities.

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Magic Monster

We’ve got the demon-looking guy.

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Magic Monster

The angry, mustached man, who actually looks like an axe murder (or angry lumberjack).

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Magic Monster

The crazy old man (or is that Michael Berryman)

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Magic Monster

And here we have the creepy child molester. (This guy’s probably scarier than the original monster.)

You think they look cool as stills? Wait ’til you see ‘em in action.

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Magic Monster

I’ve gotta warn ya though. The music in these videos will get on your nerves. “When the Saints Go Marching In” plays loudly from a speaker in his feet. Not only that, but you have the obnoxious internal mechanism of the toy continuously grinding while the song is playing . It’s basically every parents’ nightmare.

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Monster video

Also notice the axe has a light in it and glows red. Scaaary.

I noticed my monster toy’s axe is facing forward and not sideways as featured on the box and even in that other video. Hm.

So, which one is your favorite? I think I like the mustached guy best. He just looks right in those clothes… plus his mouth full of teeth really makes his head movements more pronounced and lifelike. Now all I need is some more cool rubbery finger puppets. Any thoughts on where to find them?

After seeing this toy and these puppets. it begs the question: Which came first? Were the faces/puppets made for automated toys like Magic Monster, or was the toy made to accommodate the finger puppets that were already being produced?

The finger puppets don’t have much as far as markings go. All I can see is “® 986012 Made in China.”

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Magic Monster Magic Monster

Here’s all the info taken from the Magic Monster box:

  • Magic Monster
  • Face with a thousand changes
  • An axe that lights up
  • Moves from side to side
  • Even plays music (the saints go marching in)
  • 1/#21828C
  • ©1985 Justen
  • “transformable face”

(Check out that front panel. They’ve totally masked out the big dome head behind the monster’s face. Bull. The toy looks so much better with just the floating face. And did you notice the “©1985 Justen?” Weird, huh?)

Actually, there is one other question this toy makes me ask: What the hell?

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Creepy Bods by Roundhill Industries

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

So, I’ve got a little something for you today I’m willing to bet you’ve never seen or heard of (well, that can be said about a lot of my posts, but this is different).

Today, I am proud to introduce you to Creepy Bods!

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Creepy Bods

Months ago, I was lucky enough to get my hands on all four Creepy Bods figures. What makes Creepy Bods so special, you ask (oh wait, you didn’t ask that)? Well, for one, they’re unbelievably, ridiculously impossible to find and are greatly sought after, but more importantly, they are a refreshing innovation in the world of Madball knockoffs.

You see, back in the 80s when the world was introduced to Madballs, kids went nuts. These gross little balls were charming, unique and just fun to play with. Of course, as I mentioned in a previous blog entry, there were Madball wannabes – folks that tried to cash in on the success of Madballs. The ripoff Madballs (or “Sadballs” as I like to refer to them) were usually uninspired derivatives of existing Madball designs, and they were almost always poorly produced. In an attempt to stand out in the pack in a world of knockoffs, Roundhill Industries came along and created Creepy Bods. They are (to quote the package) “headless bodies to display your Madballs™, Weird Balls™, Foul Balls™ and any other Ball Heads!” (Not only were they appealing to the Madballs market, but they even included shout-outs to the ripoff balls. Nice.) You see, instead of falling in line with all the other copy cats, these guys created something pretty darn neat. Madballs now had gross, little bodies to use as display stands in your collection. You can mix and match the balls in your collection to suit the appropriate body style. Pretty cool idea, huh?

Creepy Bods Packaging
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Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods Stitch - Creepy Bods
Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods Ooze - Creepy Bods

Other than the concept of bodies for your Madballs, the Creepy Bods were pretty unoriginal. As you can clearly see, the Creepy Bods packaging emulates the Madball package.

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Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods Madballs Package

It’s the exact same size and similar color scheme. The over all execution is pretty poor though. They ripped off the logo and the yellow swooshy thing, they included mini drawings of the characters and even put a generic Madball on the package to emulate the hole and the ball’s placement in the Madballs package design.

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Madballs Logo
Creepy Bods Logo

I’m sure it was all intentional and probably a necessity. They wanted to have kids immediately make the connection that these bodies are for Madballs, but c’mon! At least make it look good!

I wanted to mention a couple of other things. On the bottom of the package, there’s a statement that reads “Manufactured exclusively for the Bauhinia Ltd. Hong Kong.” What does that mean exactly?

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Creepy Bods Package

And, the back of the package is pretty lame. Nothing says “knock-off” like a blank, brown card back (well, if you don’t count the UPC code).

Enough about the packaging. Let’s look at the characters.

Creepy Bods’ Bodies
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Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods Stitch - Creepy Bods
Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods Ooze - Creepy Bods

First, we have Mr. Mummy.

Mr. Mummy
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Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods

He’s a gory, little mummy with a severed foot. Good thing he has a cane. Is anyone else wondering why the hell he has two left feet? As you’d might expect, Dust Brain is a natural choice for this creepy body.

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Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods Mr. Mummy - Creepy Bods

Next we have Stitch. He seems to be a blue-skinned guy w/ severed body parts all re-stitched together (ya know, like Frankenstein).

Stitch
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Stitch - Creepy Bods Stitch - Creepy Bods

It’s a bit hard to figure out what’s going on with his pose, but I’m guessing he’s in the act of sowing himself together. His severed, left pinky-toe kinda freaks me out. The AARGH Madball seemed to be a good choice for this Creepy Bod. He’s blue and covered in stitches just like Stitch.

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Stitch - Creepy Bods Stitch - Creepy Bods Stitch - Creepy Bods

Also notice – it looks like a knock-off of AARGH is what was featured on the Creepy Bods packaging.

And here we have Dr. Guts.

Dr. Guts
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Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods

If he’s a doctor, it looks like he’s just performed surgery on himself. Either that or he’s been drawn and quartered? And shouldn’t he have used a scalpel for his surgery? Looks like he used a hunting knife. He’s just standing there, tearing open his torso, and all of his guts are pouring out. This is some pretty gory stuff for a kids toy, but I guess the Madballs were too. That’s why I chose Slobulus for the head on this one. Not only is his skin green, but his eyeball’s hanging out and everything.

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Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods Dr. Guts - Creepy Bods

I’m intrigued by the inclusion of the wrist watch. Is that supposed to be a clue to his status as a doctor or something? Pretty funny.

Lastly, we have Ooze.

Ooze
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Ooze - Creepy Bods Ooze - Creepy Bods

Ooze looks to be a violet, lizard creature covered in slime. Oozing out of the slime are a few eyeballs and random bones. Pretty goofy.

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Ooze - Creepy Bods Ooze - Creepy Bods Ooze - Creepy Bods

In the actual toy though, the slime looks more like a green robe or cloak or something. Horn Head seemed to fit this figure nicely, what with the violet color scheme and claws and everything.

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Creepy Bods

Well, there you have it. Those are the Creepy Bods. They’re not much to look at on their own, but once you’ve topped ‘em off with a Madball, they really come to life. They really are a great addition to any Madball collection. I guess I could’ve photographed the bodies with various heads, but you can probably use your imagination. (They look like bobble heads don’t they?)

The only real complaint I have about the Creepy Bods is their sub-par production quality. The sculpting is sloppy and the paint applications leave much to be desired. I know they’re cheap knock-off toys, so it’s expected. But wouldn’t it be great if AmToy took this idea and ran with it? They could release well-made bodies for those Anniversary Madballs they’ve recently released.

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Head-Popping Madballs

I wonder if Creepy Bods led to AmToy’s idea for Head-Popping Madballs? If so, I’m sure they’d never admit it ;)

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Toximodo by Sungold

Thursday, April 16th, 2009

Ever find yourself buying a toy simply for the horrendous (or hilarious) packaging? It’s rare that I do that, but in this case, that’s just what happened.

That’s where this story begins.

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Toxic Hunchback figure from the MONSTER toyline Toxic Hunchback figure from the MONSTER toyline

I discovered this MONSTER toyline last year, and not only did I love its generic, non-committed name, but I immediately fell in love with its packaging. The front of the card features a very weird illustration collecting some “classic” monsters, but the thing is, they’re all a bit out of character and just odd-looking (well, more odd-looking than usual). It really looks like they’re all breaking out of a prison or mental ward or something.  There’s barbed-wire-covered brick walls they’re all bursting out of (actually, with the city skyline in the background, it looks more like they’re bursting into the prison). And not only that, they’re carrying knives and straight razors and stuff. These monsters don’t mess around. You thought they were dangerous before? Now they’re armed! If you cross paths, you are definitely screwed.

The look of this piece really reminds me of those funky hand-painted, amateur Hollywood movie posters.

Chuck Norris Poster
Chuck Norris poster image courtesy of “GroGraphics.com“. Thanks!

Ewoks Poster
Ewoks poster image courtesy of “FunnyGarbage.com“. Thanks!

The characters look familiar but they aren’t quite right. (I need to do a Weirdo Posters blog next ;) )

So, let’s take a closer look shall we? (Lemme warn you, I’m gonna be over-analyzing the hell out of this package. I’m not sure why. I just have to.)

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MONSTER toyline package detail

So here’s the headliner. Lets call him “Toximodo.” He looks like a cross between the Toxic Avenger and Quasimodo.

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Toxic Avenger and Quaimodo

Looks like old Toximodo here got top billing in the monster lineup. Not sure why. I’m guessing he’s supposed to look like Quasimodo (or the Hunchback of Notre Dame or whatever you wanna call him). Is a deformed hunchback not scary enough? These guys really wanted to take him up a notch by adding boils, warts, cysts or whatever those are supposed to be.

Yech! He’s covered in oozing, bubbly flesh mounds.

Even his hump is bumpy.

Gross. Really, really nasty.

He’s even bleeding.

And of course, the haircut. Gotta love the haircut.

Oh. One last thing. What the hell’s up with that thumb? Has it been severed?

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MONSTER toyline package detail

Next is a severed green hand nailed to the wall. Wait. Scratch that. It’s been screwed to the wall (Phillips head), and it’s oozing orange blood/slime. Looks like it might’ve belonged to the Frankenstein Monster, but he’s got all his appendages. I guess it’s from some unlucky passerby.

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MONSTER toyline package detail

Next we have the Mummy. He’s looking a bit maniacal. He’s got a bloody straight razor, and he’s definitely eyeballing the green hand. Must be admiring his handy work (seriously no pun intended).

Again, to take up the gross factor, they’ve given this guy an exposed brain. Awesome. I thought Mummies had their brains pulled through their noses before they were prepped for “mummification.” Maybe this is just a mental patient.

Something else that’s weird is the additional bandaged mummy hand bursting through the wall. It’s a right hand, but we can see the mummy’s right hand is delicately holding a razor. Oh well. Why worry about details like that?

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MONSTER toyline package detail

Next we have the Frankenstein Monster. He’s got a big knife/ice pick looking thing. It’s already bloody, which means he’s already stabbed somebody (or cut himself). Careful. he’s reaching for you. Also, it looks like he’s been crying blood. You know he’s evil if that’s the case.

Wonder what that yellow block thing is (more on that later).

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MONSTER toyline package detail

Wow! It’s Freddy’s glove poking through a hole in the wall. Looks like he’s playing with someone’s heart… a heart with intestines attached to it. I love how it’s delicately balancing on the blades. Serrated blades no less. This character inconsistency goes well with his candy-cane-colored sweater.

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MONSTER toyline package detail

And lastly we have this simple message scrawled in orange blood/slime, “HELP.” Ha!! My sentiments exactly.

As I mentioned previously, I discovered the MONSTER toy series last year sometime. I actually stumbled upon the Mummy figure from this toyline first. I wasn’t in love with the Mummy figure as much as I was his packaging. In fact, I was gonna do a blog entry focusing strictly on his package (wait… lemme rephrase that).

But one look at the back of the card made me realize I HAD to find the hunchback figure. He was so gloriously disfigured, melting and angry.

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MONSTER toyline package detail

Well, luckily for you (and especially me), I found him. Now lets’ take a look at him.

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The Hunchback by Sungold Mfg.

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The Hunchback by Sungold Mfg.

Ah. A thing of beauty isn’t it? A brightly-colored, holey-shoed, acne-ridden hunchback. Even the skin tone of his head and body don’t match. Don’t think that was an accident. These guys knew what they were doing when they made him ;) (I’m gonna have to use that trick when I start making my own toys.)

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The Hunchback by Sungold Mfg.

One of the things I immediately noticed is how different this character looks than the one featured on the package. On the back of the card, he has a pained, evil grimace. This guy looks like a chubby monk with acne and a bad overbite. His hair even looks like a headband. Not nearly the horror we grew to love from the front of the package.

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The Hunchback by Sungold Mfg.

But, to make up for it, His bubbly, exposed skin is fantastic. Really, really gross.

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The Hunchback by Sungold Mfg.

Look at that hump! It looks like a bowl of baked beans or something. That is truly nasty. I love how his hump burst through his shirt. That’s one strong hump ya got there.

Now, let’s check out the back of the card.

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Toxic Hunchback figure from the MONSTER toyline

I’m gonna show you details of the characters pictured here, but notice how none of them are listed by name at all. We’ll just have to guess at who they’re supposed to be. I’ll try not to go into as much detail as I did with the front of the toy card.

Mummy
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MONSTER toyline package detail

Seems like a standard Mummy figure. I have this figure, and his brain is not exposed. Bummer. Also, take note – most of the toys you’ll see here will have this same dance pose.

Quasimodo (or Toximodo)
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MONSTER toyline package detail

You just saw this guy. He’s the best. Well, he could be second to…

Freddy
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MONSTER toyline package detail

Yep. It’s Freddy. But this looks more like your friendly, retired, neighborhood Freddy. You might even leave a fruitcake at his doorstep for Christmas. He’s got the candy cane stripes and blue jeans, so you know it’s gotta be casual Freddy.

Wolf Man
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MONSTER toyline package detail

Wow. Looks like your typical Wolfman toy. He’s just doing an awkward dance, that’s all.

Frankenstein’s Monster
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MONSTER toyline package detail

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m not calling him Frankenstein. I don’t know why I’m being so literal. Just trying to respect the legend I guess. His pose reminds me of the Franken- Wiggler I featured a while back.

Dracula (or the Joker)
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MONSTER toyline package detail

Wow. Is this guy a circus ring leader or what? I’ve never seen Dracula wearing such vibrant, goofy clothing. Or should I say, I’ve never seen the Joker with such big fangs?

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MONSTER toyline package detail

One other detail I wanted to show you was this very goofy warning on the package.

“Not suitable for children under 48 months. Please keep this packaging for future reference.”

What? Keep the package as reference for the age limit? As a reference to which characters to collect? I dunno. It just struck me as funny.

MONSTER toyline package detail

Oh yeah, and there’s one more thing to mention. Remember those odd yellow blocks on the front and back of the card I mentioned earlier? Well, apparently those were areas which used to have the name of the company that produced these toys originally Sungold Mfg. Co., Ltd. (Thanks to the fine folks at Clam’s Toy Box for shedding some light on that for me and providing me with the crappy, low-res proof that the Sungold card once existed.)

As far as who made these and when they were released? That’s still a mystery I think. There are no markings on the packaging or on the figures themselves. Any info and other insights are definitely welcome. Thanks.

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