The Crutch.
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Archive for the ‘Ugly’ Category
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Monday, March 2nd, 2009Mighty Monster (Frankenstein) Wiggler
Sunday, January 11th, 2009Alright people, I’m really sorry it’s taking so long to unveil these toys. I’ll try to post two this week to catch up a bit.
Well, what do we have today? Ah. If it isn’t a good ol’ Frankenstein’s Monster toy.
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Alright, before I get into the toy, I need to get something off my chest. The guy i bought this toy from was an ass. There’s no reason for me to write this other than he just left a bad lasting impression with me. Maybe an “ass” is an overreaction. He was just odd, egotistical, and he wouldn’t really negotiate any of his over-the-top prices. He seemed to have the kind of attitude that states “My stuff is good, so I know you’ll cough up the money.” … and he had a lisp. That made his cocky-ness even more aggravating. (Also, please know as I typed that, I realized that the same traits I dislike in him I find in myself – other than the lisp. I’m hard-headed too.)
Unfortunately, he was right. His stuff was good, and I did pay him. Maybe that’s why I was so bothered by him. I could’ve just walked away, but I didn’t. It’s just the price of being a weirdo toy addict 
I don’t think this Frankenstein toy is THAT valuable, especially considering the shape he is in, but luckily for me, it’s his f-ed up look that makes him so irresistible.
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I don’t know what the hell has happened to Frankenstein (I know he’s formally “Frankenstein’s Monster,” but let’s face it. Everyone calls him “Frankenstein.”) I guess since Halloween is over, the Frankenstein hype is over. He’s looking a bit down on his luck. Is he homeless now? I know, reanimated corpses compiled of various cadavers’ parts aren’t pretty, but he’s looking pretty rough even to that standard.
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Poor guy. He can’t even afford a belt. He’s resorted to using a rope. Can you believe it ? And is it just me, or does it look like he’s wearing some kind of 80s Michael Jackson shirt? He must’ve gone to Goodwill.
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This toy is the epitome of ugly and neglected. First of all, he’s slimy to the touch. He’s made of a jiggly rubber… and along with the rubbery texture comes the stinky, old rubbery smell. This toy seriously has a funk. I’m not sure if it’s from the previous owners or from the chemicals that make up the toy. But outside of that, you can plainly see the toy’s been through hell and back. His paint job is all messy and scraped off. He’s missing fingers, chunks off his feet, holes in his torso, etc. He’s just another victim.
I don’t know much about these jiggling monster toys, but over the years I have picked up on the fact that these things are iconic and sought after (Probably not the beaten-to-hell versions like this one.) After asking Google about jiggling Frankensteins, I found some info about the toy and its maker.
Apparently this is one of a series of toys called Wigglers by Ben Cooper. Ben Cooper made a bunch of these jiggly characters ranging from Dracula to Superman.
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Wiggler Ad image courtesy of PlaidStallions.com. Thanks!
These little rubber guys dangled from strings so you could hang them and bounce them to your heart’s content. In this ad, you can see this Frankenstein toy was referred to as “Mighty Monster.” I guess they didn’t have the rights to the Frankenstein character’s name.
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Wiggler Ad image courtesy of PlaidStallions.com. Thanks!
I think the gross, jiggling, rubber toys finally wore out their welcome, so Ben Cooper turned their sole focus to children’s Halloween costumes. They’d been making them since the 50s I think. The costumes were typically based on popular characters of the time. In fact, you probably even had some of these as a kid. I know I had this Hulk one.
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Masks Ad image courtesy of PlaidStallions.com. Thanks!
Mighty Monster Wiggler image courtesy of The Gallery of Monster Toys. Thanks!
Here’s a glimpse of how the toy might’ve looked brand new. This pic isn’t great, but it lets you get a sense of the original coloration and let’s you see the tag and all.
Hm. Now that I think about it. Mine might be a repaint or a bootleg or something. Mine’s more of a mustardy, bird-crap-yellow. I like it better that way.
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I think my friend Brian said it best when describing this toy – “Seems like you can’t intentionally make him look like that.” Yep. That sums him up nicely.
Oh, and one last thing. As you know, I sometimes feature videos on the site to more clearly illustrate a toy’s features. Well, here’s a look at a Mighty Monster Wiggler in all his jiggly glory. Also, his arm-waving stance inspired me to make it a music video. It’s quick and stupid, and it might be accidentally entertaining.
Gross Out Gang – Roll Call!!
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008Great news!! (for me anyway)
I’ve managed to get my hands on some carded Gross Out Gang (GOG) figures!
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You remember the GOG don’t you? (I’ve only written about them a hundred times.) I wrote about them when I discovered their toyline, their vintage toy ad and when I actually found the whole gang. Hell, I even started this blog with one of the figures.
So, I guess the gang holds a little piece of my heart.
Anyway, there are 3 main reasons why it is good to get these packaged figures:
1. Closure. I’ve finally learned the names of the three previously unidentified GOG members. If you recall from one of my previous entries, I was missing the names of the “Lips Kid,” “Nose Kid” and “Pie Kid.” Well I’d like to officially introduce you to Blow Hard, Nose Ark and Fat-so.
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Pretty bad eh? Punny and non-PC. Awesome. No way they’d make a toy of a fat kid nowadays and call him “Fat-so”. I sure do miss the 80s.
2. Surprises. I finally have access to the cards from the figures’ packaging. I didn’t know what to expect. As a service to you, the reader, and anyone else in the history of the world who has lost nights of sleep contemplating what was on the back of the Gross Out Gang card, I will share with you.
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First we get a goofy Gross Out Gang Membership Card, and it’s been signed by Egg Brain himself. The President of the GOG!
Second, we’re introduced to the bully character, Airhead. Too bad they didn’t make a figure of him to be the villain in the toyline.
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Third, we get a horrible, but still charming origin story. Looks like the GOG were a bunch of social rejects that were constantly picked on by “Airheads” (or jocks). Luckily, Egg Brain had a device that accentuated the very traits that made them rejects in the first place, giving them “Exagapowers,” so now they are gross freaks and proud of it.
I’m warning you – don’t read it.
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Fourth, we get a GOG lineup with short bios for each character briefly explaining their gross “powers.”.
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3. Obsession. I get my hands on “virgin” Gross Out Gang toys. Untouched by anyone for over 20 years. Freshly unsealed GOG figures smell nice, fresh and plasticy. Since I can’t really demonstrate their fresh scent, I’ll just give you a rundown of this poorly planned toy package artwork.
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As you can see, the only way to get an unhindered view of the Gross Out Gang background and story is to open the package. Which is great, because I wanted to do that anyway.
What the hell. The front of this package may be one of the most poorly-planned toy package designs ever. First, the logo/name of the toyline is blocked by the figures, but to top it off, there’s a huge freakin’ paragraph telling the story of the GOG… on the front of the card. How challenging are they trying to make this for the costumer? As you’re perusing the toy aisle, they hope you read the 124-word paragraph that is actually overlapped by the figure and the card bubble? It seems like the package was designed by some guy at Skilcraft before he knew the size of the toys. Oh well.
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Read Their Amazing Story!
They’re gross… they’re nauseating… they’re totally disgusting! They’re the Gross Out Gang and they’ve banded together to fight for justice in the name of the underdog. They couldn’t care less if anyone makes fun of them. They laugh in the face of indignity… they sneer at insults… they stand up to abuse. Nobody’s perfect, but the Gross Out Gang carries it to extremes. Why not join in their fun… collect the entire series and laugh along with them. To be a member of this elite gang of super heroes, you’ve got to look yourself squarely in the eye without a mirror, and say “Im a decent, respectable human being in spite of my imperfections.” Maybe there’s a little Gross Out Gang in all of us.
That’s pretty touching actually. The toys are goofy and gross, but I like the message to kids that you can be proud of your differences. I’m thinking a modern toyline wouldn’t even approach the subject of human frailty, insecurity, and the sometimes awkward individuality. Stand up for yourself and disregard any kind of insults you may get from other punk kids. We were all underdogs growing up. I know you all were. You’re reading a toy blog for Christ’s sake. 
Oh, and here’s some more fine print for those who care: “Skilcraft – a division of Monogram Models, Inc., Morton Grove, IL 60053. © 1987 Monogram Models, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Made in Hong Kong.”
I only got four “fresh” GOG figures, and their cards are all beat up. I don’t mind. But I’m still on the lookout for the Nose Ark figure with his nose crutch. I want that crutch 
So, now I have some GOG duplicates. Maybe I’ll sell them or use them for future toy trades or something. Anyone out there interested?
Madballs: Head-Popping Action Figures
Tuesday, August 5th, 2008So, it all started around November of last year when I was writing my Anniversary Madballs post. While searching online for various tidbits about the origins of Madballs, I came across a bunch of Madballs paraphernalia and other toy images, but I was quickly overcome with excitement when I discovered these guys.
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They look like awesome little Madballs action figures… and upon further reading, I soon confirmed that they are Madballs Head-Popping Action Figures released in 1986 by AmToy. These 4 inch figures have spring-loaded heads/necks. With the flick of a trigger on their backs, their heads go flying.
They look this cool AND their heads pop off? Wow!!
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Ya know, these may be the only worthwhile spin-offs of the Madballs brand. I don’t really remember seeing these things as a kid. I just had a couple of the original Madballs. I never took it to the extreme of wanting any of the spinoff toys and other random Madballs products (luckily for my parents).
It only took one look at them, and now that I had discovered these things, my obsession began. Not only do they encompass the great “grossness” of the original Madballs, but they’ve been taken a conceptual step further – these heads now have bodies which further illustrate their unique personalities (and maybe a hint at their origins).
As I searched online and at various toy shows, I soon discovered that these things are fairly hard to come by… especially if you want any of the Madballs figures with its corresponding head. And not only that, but most of the old ones I found have major paint flaking, damaged necks and broken triggers, so the heads wouldn’t stay attached or even launch anymore.
Freaky Fun for Everyone!
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Well, as you can see, my patience and persistence (with the help of eBay) have prevailed. I am now the proud owner of a complete set of the ever-elusive Madballs Head-Poppers. They’re not all in perfect shape, but I still love ‘em all the same.
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Let’s meet the gang, shall we?
Wolf Breath – The original dog face, this guy’s breath could stop a clock!
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Slobulus – A gruesome drooler with one eye dangling for gross fun!
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Screamin’ Meemie – A crazy baseball with a ghastly grin!
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Dust Brain – A dried up mummy head who’s not too tightly wrapped!
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Lock Lips – A creepy creature with locked-lipped feature!
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Bruise Brother – A real tough cookie who’s a regular crumb!
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Horn Head – A one-horned cyclops with a ring through his nose!
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Skull Face – A mask of bone, teeth and frightening delight!
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Oculus Orbus – A big, bloodshot eyeball to freak out your friends!
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It’s great seeing the cartoony grossness of this set. I think the modern politically-correct children’s toys makers would never have allowed these “cute” kids toys to have open, bloody wounds or torn flesh with exposed rib cages and spines. That’s just genuine, vintage 8os grossness. MMM-mm.
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So, I have a goofy story to share. As as I searched and slowly gathered the Mini Madballs figures, I soon discovered the “holy grail” of the set – Horn Head. Apparently he was an exclusive figure that was included with the Mad Rollercycle. You thought finding good Madballs figures was a challenge? Try finding a Mad Rollercycle complete with a Horn Head figure. The Rollercycle is usually by itself or comes along with a headless or “wrong-headed” Horn Head.
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Well, just a few weeks ago after some super-laborious web-searching, I came across a Dutch website where a seller was actually offering a Rollercycle with Horn Head. What luck! But wait. There was only one problem. I couldn’t understand a single word on the website. Luckily, with the help of Babelfish Translator, I quickly had the site translated. It was broken English for sure, but it did allow me to at least locate the appropriate links to contact the seller.
So, being the desperate man that I am, I composed a message to the seller, asking how much the toy is and all that jazz. Now remember, the site was Dutch, so chances are I’ll have to make contact writing in Dutch… and that’s exactly what I did. I translated my message hoping whoever read it could make enough sense of what I’m sure was a horrible translation. I also made sure I attached my original English message (you know. .. just in case). With luck on my side, the seller wrote back. He was in Belgium and could understand English (YAY!), and he still had the toy available for me to order (YAY!x2).
So, here it is in all of it’s ugly-clunky glory.
Mad Rollercycle
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The Mad Rollercycle is basically a motorcycle-steamroller combo. It comes equipped with a catapult to launch the various Madballs mini-figures’ heads. There’s also a basketball goal if you feel like shooting a few Madhoops. Last but not least, there’s the little skull-topped gear shifter. Pushing it forward or backward activates a small mechanism in the backs of both seats which presses the triggers on the backs of the Madball figures – sending their heads flying.
Honestly, the whole thing seems like a half-hearted attempt ot just make more money on a crappy, arbitrary Madballs vehicle. Even on the packaging, you can see they slightly attempted to create a story for these guys. They’ve even been specified as GOODBALLS and BADBALLS (I’m telling you, it feels good to know a skeleton and a mutilated, rotting-flesh zombie are a couple of good guys).
Just a side note: Doesn’t the figure on the Mad Rollercycle box look a lot different than the actual Horn Head toy? I’m glad the toy didn’t turn out to look like the prototype.
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Wait!
It’s not over yet.
You think everything you just saw was cool?
You aint seen nothin’ yet.
Imagine the coolness of these figures….
Now imagine the coolness of these figures packaged in Japanese, super-unbelievably-awesome, super-well-illustrated-and-designed re-closeable boxes.
Did they look something like this??
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That ultra web-scouring I mentioned earlier brought me to a nice fellow toy-lover who somehow got a hold of these beautiful things (thanks for the photos Kelly. You’re the best).
If anyone has any of these Japanese Madballs Head-Popping figures he’d like to get rid of (or any other photos to share), you better email me right now!
1986 WEIRD BALL PUNT N' GRUNT MADBALLS CARDED
 | US $35.00 (0 Bid) End Date: Friday Jul-30-2010 20:03:42 PDT Bid now | Add to watch list |
MADBALLS COMPLETE SET 1-7 MARVEL NICE!!!!
 | US $0.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Tuesday Aug-03-2010 17:09:34 PDT Bid now | Add to watch list |
Madballs # 3 Star Comic Book 1986 Limited Series
 | US $1.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Saturday Jul-31-2010 13:40:04 PDT Bid now | Add to watch list |
Masters of the Uni-worse
Monday, July 7th, 2008So here we have some Masters of the Universe (MOTU) figures. It’s He-Man (The Most Powerful Man in the Universe) and Skeletor (The Evil Lord of Destruction).
Don’t they look awesome? Just like I remembered them….
He-Man
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Skeletor
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Masters of the Universe my ass! These guys are masters of nothing (well, maybe the Masters of Shittily Made Toys).
All I can say is these things are god-awful. Again, what we have here are some generic, ugly-ass Mexican bootleg figures of popular American toylines.
These MOTU figures are horrible, but I love ‘em. They look like homemade elementary school sculpture projects. You can’t pose them. They can’t hold any weapons (although there’s a hole in Skeletor’s hand, so maybe it had a purpose at some point). Do-it-yourself action figures (Well, not action figures, cuz they can’t really move. They’re just statues i guess).
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They’re the rejects of the MOTU toyline. Maybe that’s why I took them in. I feel sorry for them with their horrible molds, non-existent quality control and bad production value. These guys look like they’ve melted a bit. There’s tons of flack all over ‘em, their paint’s rubbed off, and they’re just plain gross.
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Skeletor actually has a separate piece of armor (which is held on by a peg protruding from his chest) and some freaky muscle structure on his back (not that the rest of him isn’t freaky). Oh, and as it turns out, he does swivel at the waist.
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He-Man’s a bit smaller than Skeletor, but does size really matter?
So, what are the odds that these are actually rare prototypes? They’re early concept figures of the legendary toyline. Hmmmm….
